Introduction to core emotional needs: But I had a good childhood (Schema Therapy Deep Dive - Part 1.2)

For a brief introduction to Schema Therapy, please refer to this link.

Introduction

Next to being a self-actualised individual or a long-term committed relationship, parenting is possibly the hardest task a human being can do. Many people I meet enter therapy at a few points in their lives - they feel exhausted, lost as individuals; they yearn to be a parent and are having difficulties, they are about to become parents, or they feel like they are lousy parents. The list goes on.

Some have very turbulent and even abusive interactions and memories of their parents. If you endured severe hardship, big trauma and abuse in your childhood, I hear you and refer you to Introduction to core emotional needs: What if I had a terrible childhood? (Schema Therapy Deep Dive - Part 1.1) and Reinventing your Life by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko (2019; 2nd edition) for better starting points.

Many others speak about seemingly uneventful childhoods and yet have difficulties with expressing themselves or feeling like they are enough.

I, too, had a fairly uneventful childhood—with parents who were emotionally-wanting but not violent or abusive. I knew they had/have my best interests at heart. As I dug deeper into my own therapy, I realised I had similar gaps in emotional needs as my clients that were left unfulfilled despite my parents' clumsy but best efforts. The greatest relief was realising that I can meet these needs on my own. I can be the parent that my younger self needed.

Core emotional needs

Most of us acknowledge that we were raised with love, albeit not the kind we may seek now. Our parents, often lacking resources, faced their own unmet needs, shaped by historical traumas from their own parents.

As adults, many of us have turned to self-help books and parenting literature, often forgetting that our parents lacked these opportunities and carried their own burdens.

While our parents did their best, it's natural for us to seek more than they could offer, and that's perfectly acceptable.

To fulfil ours and our children's core emotional needs, we must first identify them. Schema therapy, as developed by Young et al., outlines five universal emotional needs:

(a) Safety and Nurturance

Secure attachment is concept famously rooted in attachment theory introduced by Bowlby and expanded by Ainsworth in the 1960s and 70s, addresses one of the most fundamental needs: forming strong emotional connections with caregivers. This is crucial for survival and for fostering healthy physical, emotional, and social development.

Those of us who grew up in financially stable households felt some healthy levels of safety, stability and predictability as well as parents who were emotionally ready to give us this bond. It is hard to imagine that our parents grew up with their own parents who experienced war or poverty. While our grandparents and ancestors overcame war and fulfilled physiological needs (water, food, shelter, survival), some of our parents overcame safety needs (personal security, employment, property etc.). That left us to pursue love and belonging (secure attachments), esteem and to now being able to parent children who aspire to self-actualisation.

Maslow's (1943) Hierarchy of Needs intersected with intergenerational stepped achievement

It's incredible to consider how quickly recent generations have been fulfilling higher levels of needs. This rapid progress is exactly why each generation often struggles to understand the others. Our parents, influenced by their war-affected parents, recognise the significance of financial stability.

This focus on stability makes it challenging for them to grasp how their achievements have enabled us to prioritise emotional connection, confidence, supportive guidance, love and belonging. We in turn, may have difficulties with our children's focus on self-actualisation - the very thing we paved the way for by levelling up from the past.

(b) Play and Spontaneity

One of the needs that feels most foreign is the emphasis on spontaneity and play. With parents busy with work, securing income, the concept of play and spontaneity were not top of the list and in some cases even considered a "luxury" - something only people who were comfortable or well-off could do.

With the hard work and focus on making ends meet, we are to be grateful for the food on the table, and the roof over our heads. We were to understand as children, the sacrifices our parents had to make and that things like play were enjoyed mostly with siblings, cousins, friends, and in special occasions as a family - not a daily expectation with busy adults.

Our hopes and dreams were rooted in our parents' wishes that we would not have to struggle as hard as they do to bring us up. So any sense of exploration and adventure (ideas of world travel, not knowing what to do after high school, taking gap years etc., me being a psychologist still freaks my traditional parents out sometimes) were viewed as sources of anxiety for our parents, not a core emotional need.

Likewise, being parents now, our children aspiring to be social media influencers, content creators, thought changers, AI specialists, also scare us to an extent (Why can't they just use Facebook like us?). We need to allow our adult selves to play more freely, explore more freely. Do away with the fear that we are not good enough (secure attachment), and trust that we have realistic limits and control (see below). This then enables us to bravely step into our child's world.

(c) Freedom to Express (needs, opinions and emotions)

Throughout my upbringing, we were reminded that we were 'children' in the parent-child relationship, suggesting we were not equals with our caregivers. Decisions impacting our lives were mainly made by them, based on the belief that it was for our 'own good.' Adults made decisions for us, drawing from their experiences and aspirations for a better life for us. While well-intentioned, this sometimes led to feelings of disempowerment, as our voices were overshadowed by parental expectations and societal norms. We were reminded of our parents' sacrifices, with the refrain, "because of you," creating pressure to conform to their ideals.

Consequently, we often found ourselves as parentified children, carrying responsibilities while yearning for agency. This dynamic balanced our desire for independence with respect for authority, obedience, hard work and having a fair go.

The journey towards finding our voices required courage and a willingness to challenge the status quo, allowing us to redefine respect and authority. In doing so, we embark on a path toward greater self-awareness and empowerment, ultimately learning that our thoughts and feelings were valid and worthy of expression.

This evolution is a vital step in reconciling our past with our present and will enable us to embrace the freedom to express ourselves authentically and confidently. In doing so, how would we apply the same with our children being the parents in the equation now?

(d) Autonomy, Competence and Identity

"Who am I?" is a question that often comes up. There are 8 billion people in the world and we are each unique and yet interconnected with each other (family, community, nationality, religion, continent, society in general).

Emotional autonomy and identity commitment are both psychosocial developmental tasks linked to psychological wellbeing in adolescents. What do they involve?

Adolescents need to be guided to establish independence from parents (including expectations which do not align). The process also includes encouragement to explore values, discover passions and determine own goals. Parents report often finding it difficult to provide support and guidance when their teenager is engaged in activities and has aspirations which are foreign to them. We want to build independence and retain connection at the same time.

Today’s careers—like game development or travel vlogging—clash with traditional ideals of 9-to-5 stability and degrees as the only path. Parents raised pre-internet now navigate a world of social media and endless options, making it harder to relate to their children’s aspirations.

When individuals and/or parents are contending with their own anxieties of stability, it becomes challenging to be able to sit and manage their emotions, let alone be intentionally supportive of goals which are beyond their comprehension.

Thus many of the newer generations are having to navigate separating their needs and wants from their parents' while recognising that these can be not 'good' or 'bad' but just different. They then need to feel confident about what they have chosen with no template/model to refer to and take on a new world where the concept of 'self' has become increasingly global.

Thanks to technology, ease of travel and migration these days has ensured that identity development and ones sense of belonging continue to be challenged.

As individuals, can we sit with and then balance our own identity vs. social belonging with our own parents? As parents, how do we establish firm AND supportive guidelines as our adolescents start to explore and assert their identity and independence from us?

As with Freedom to Express, I explore more about Autonomy, Independence and Identity in specific racial and cultural contexts elsewhere.

(e) Realistic Limits and Self-Control

This core emotional need holds a special space as it is one that appears to take away from the child/teenager rather than leaning into or providing. In strict households, where discipline and work ethic were primarily emphasised, one can imagine how unrealistic limits, control, and expectations were more common than not.

Having rules and teaching boundaries in themselves are not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it is a crucial part of being able to fit in, be mindful of others, and be able to navigate social life where belonging and security come from. We'd have no friends if we weren't taught it's not okay to hit someone or that we may occasionally have to do things we don't like but are good for us.

How discipline is taught, though, is where this need often seems to be unmet. The establishment and enforcement of rules as instructions to be obeyed, followed by punishment if they are not, create fear and negativity.

Early on, children can come to view "No" as a form of rejection, especially if all the other core emotional needs are also marginally met. Their relationship with rules and responsibility becomes a burden rather than empowering or a means to develop determination, tolerance, persistence, and the ability to see things through.

Seldom did we experience limits and control as abilities or teaching moments worthy of learning and acquiring. Some or all of us, still remember being punished severely, intermittent beatings, caning of the hands, etc. We laugh that it made us 'stronger' and we even sometimes bond through these stories. But we also know that there are emotional wounds beyond the lashes of a belt or cane, and that struggle with motivation when we do not "push" or bully ourselves into doing things.

We know we do not want to approach this by instilling fear with our own children - just healthy respect.

This is a core emotional need which most people need to reestablish a new relationship with to balance the other core emotional needs.

Conclusion

You may be wondering:

"I have unmet needs, what do I do?"

"How is this going to affect my parenting?"

"I want to be a good parent"

"I don't think I can relate to people"

"I'm happy being myself, or am I?"

The good news is, in the process of trying to be better people, and better parents to our children, we also get to parent ourselves. Of course, you don't need to be a parent for the same to apply. The closest children I have in my life are Little Helen (inner child) and my nephews and nieces. We all deserve to have our needs met and every adult has the capacity to fulfil these for themselves.

Learn to put on our life jackets properly and deservedly so that we can do an even better job for others. That is the heart of what schema therapy can provide above all else. It allows clients to break negative patterns/cycles, change the way we relate to ourselves and others, diversify our coping strategies, and most importantly meet or core emotional needs as Healthy Adults.

We learn how to self-regulate, to walk towards joy, recognise and express our needs, and feel confident in ourselves through cognitive, experiential and behavioural skills. Essentially, we learn to develop into the well-adjusted, psychologically fulfilled individuals we deserve to be, continuing from where our parents left off, and allowing our own inner child and dependents to walk more freely.

Let's address our core emotional needs and build our healthy adult together. I look forward to sharing more with you.

See you soon,

Helen

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“For in every adult there dwells the child that was, and in every child there lies the adult that will be.”

― Yong Kang Chan,

author of Parent Yourself Again: Love Yourself the Way You Have Always Wanted to Be Loved