How do I say "No" without feeling Guilty?
Understanding other-directedness domain in schema therapy (Part 2.4 of Schema Therapy series)
Introducing Lin
Previously we met sisters Jamie and Sarah who guided us through the Impaired Limits domain. They showed us how two siblings under one household can share the same domain/schemas and yet manisfest quite differently between overcontrol and undercontrol.
Today we are meeting Lin, a 42 year old nurse and mother of two. She is the person everyone relies on whether it be her patients, colleagues, her husband, her ageing parents, younger siblings, friends. She is known to be warm, capable and endlessly giving. She remembers all birthdays, organises every family gathering, covers shifts for coworkers and listens patiently to everyone's problems. She is exhausted but this is the only way she knows how to be. Just like the sisters, she is driven by external experiences. In this case, it isn't about being unable to do things. She is simply unable to stop doing things for others even at her own expense.
For anyone with schemas within the Other-Directedness domain, being seemingly indispensible to others is rewarding and exhausting. Lin cannot remember the last time someone asked how she was doing or the last time she told the truth when they did. For the longest time, she has said yes to everything. In recent years, as more have come to rely on her, she has started resenting it silentely. She feels guilty when she rests, prioritises herself and when she even thinks about saying no.
Lin grew up in a big family, surrounded by grandparents, uncles, aunties, cousins and siblings. Her parents were the first son and first daughter of 6 and 10 siblings. Lin watched as her father diligently set an example for this siblings by becoming the first to graduate with a tertiary degree. She admired his giving nature as he went on to fund his youngest siblings' educations as well as a cousin's. He also paid for debts and helped her grandparents pay off their mortgage. Lin helped her mom run the household and take charge of her siblings, often acting as a third parent. The role suited her, so everyone says. She became expert in reading the room and anticipating others' needs before they even voiced them. For this, she receives compliments for how mature she is for her age.
As much as Lin enjoyed helping others, she was also presented with examples in her parents who agonised over being responsible for others even when they are overwhelmed. She watched as her parents argued over where money should go. The choices were usually between helping one family member over another, and always above themselves because of the unconditional belief that they had 'enough' to live by and must spread resources to those around them.
Lin learned that it was easier to comply and adapt rather than to create dilemma for her parents which could result in more conflict. When she wanted to play sport after school but her mother needed help at the family restaurant because her cousin found a better job, she gave up basketball. When she wanted to study journalism but her father steered the conversation to nursing as being more practical, she complied. She learned that saying no or even hesitating led to guilt, disappointment, or her mother's silent tears so she stopped trying.
By adulthood, just as much as Lin mastered the art of caring for others' needs, she never gained the ability to identify her own. This made her a a great nurse who her patients found compassionate and caring, and her colleagues found exceptionally selfless. When her therapist asked, "What do you want?" she felt incredibly sad but could not explain why. She also found it difficult to find an answer. She had simply never learned this language.
With the ultimate role models of caregiving her parents are, Lin witnessed how much their worth was tied to how much they give. The amount of calls they receive asking for help gave them a sense of purpose.
Lin does the same now as she learnt to do as a child. She is the one everyone calls when they need help or are in a crisis. She lends money she cannot afford and listens for hours to friends' problems while suppressing her own. She believes that her worth comes from what she can give, and that needing things for herself is selfish. Giving feels safe and second nature, receiving feels uncomfortable and somehow makes her feel useless. As a result, she attracts relationships that take more than they give. She feels resent but also guilty when she tries to set limits. She continues to give until it hurts, and then give more. When she left her first job after 7 years, it forced her to sit down and think about what she wanted out of life. She realised she had no idea and that she had spent so long being what others needed that she had forgotten she was allowed to have needs of her own.
Strangely enough, there is also a part of Lin who enjoyed posting on socials. She obsessively checks for Like notifications. She interpreted this as being self-absorbed and feels guilty for secretly basking in attention. Without realising it, her self-esteem rises and falls with others' opinions. She needed to be liked, appreciated and seen as 'good'. Without the external validation, she felt invisible. Lin needed her boss' approval to feel like a good nurse, her husband's approval to feel like a good wife, her parents' to feel like a good daughter and her children's hugs to feel wanted. She interprets delayed or ambiguous replies/answers as rejection. When someone criticises her, even mildly, she spirals for days, thinking she had done something wrong. Should anyone express disappointment, she overcompensates by being more helpful. Lin has spent her whole life earning love through achievement and helpfulness, never quite believing she deserves love for just existing. Tying it All Together
Lin came to therapy feeling resentful and exhausted which always ended with guilt and then back to giving because it was the only way she knew would make her feel better. She was tired of being the person everyone turned to and of saying yes when she meant no.
She described a recent weekend where she had planned to rest but her mother called needing help with cooking for a party, her colleague asked her to cover a shift and her brother needed advice about his marriage. She said yes to all of it even though she desperately needed to sleep. By Sunday night, she was sobbing uncontrollably in the car, feeling completely depleted and feeling guilty for being so 'dramatic'.
If you, like Lin, struggle with scenarios like this and are in a perpetual loop of helpfulness and guilt, burnouts inevitably become a part of the picture. Similar to Lin, learning how to say no may be too confronting. Instead, saying yes to the self can become part of the picture. For every yes we say to others, we can learn to add a yes to ourselves too. This means reconnecting to our minds and bodies and taking them seriously. Practising voicing our preferences and separating our worth from usefulness can help us see that others are also capable of taking care of themselves and extend the same to us because we deserve just as much.
If you're ready to start your journey, feel free to reach out or read on as we explore the last of the schema domains: Hypervigilance &/Inhibition
Warmly,
Helen
"“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”"
Lao Tzu
