Imposter Syndrome: Why Do I Feel Like a Fraud?

Understanding impaired autonomy and performance domain in schema therapy (Part 2.2 of Schema Therapy series)

Introducing Alex

In the last post, we met Maya, who showed us how the Disconnection and Rejection domain takes shape. Her story was about feeling emotionally alone, always longing for connection she never quite knew.

We will follow Alex's journey in this post, as we explore the next domain: impaired autonomy and performance.

Alex

Alex is a 38 year-old who works at a tech company. He's successful, respected and one of the youngest senior project managers at work. From the outside, he looks like he has it all together. But inside, Alex is terrified. He is convinced that any day now, someone will discover that he's actually incompetent. He calls it 'being' found out.

Unlike Maya, he doesn't struggle with emotional deprivation. His parents were warm and supportive. They encouraged him, praised him and believed in him. They also did everything for him - choosing engineering, fully paid for his education and organised everything including a deposit for his first mortgage. While fully qualified, Alex remembered a family friend being a part of the interview panel at which he secured his first job. Although he has moved on from the role and successfully made his own name, Alex secretly feels like a fake and that one day it would become apparent to everyone that he only got to where he is because of his parents and background.

This is the impaired autonomy and performance domain. It forms when children are not encouraged to explore, take age-appropriate risks or responsibilities in order to develop a sense of inner confidence. Sometimes parents were overprotective, anxious or simply too overwhelmed to guide us toward independence. Sometimes they made decisions "for our own good" and inadvertently taught us that we couldn't trust our own judgment.

Alex's parents handled everything for him growing up. This included school and subject choices, extracurricular activities, sometimes even which friends he should spend more time with. They meant well, but Alex never learned how to make decisions for himself. Now, he can't approve a project budget without checking with his director and another trusted colleague. He second-guesses every email and presentation and has tried everything from grammar-checking, editing functions and ChatGPT. He is terrified that if he makes a decision alone, he will get it wrong and everyone will see he doesn't actually know what he is doing.

Although smart, and naturally witty and likeable, Alex feels like a child in an adult body, convinced that he will mess things up. He double checks everything and seeks excessive assurance secretly and avoids making decisions on his own as much as he can.

Alex's parents were anxious people. Alex's grandfather grew up in poverty and watched as his own father built a textiles business in the 40s. Alex's father and siblings grew up to run the business which primarily exports internationally. They are reminded everyday about food safety, and financial ruin. These anxieties, and of illness, were passed on to Alex. He now spends hours researching every decision, over plans for emergencies. While living overseas, his mother checks on him obsessively. He has also learned to do the same of them. He finds it hard to shake the feeling that something bad is about to happen. This ranges from his company going under, that he'll get sick, that his partner will leave him. He's always bracing for the impact. Only in case something happens. Because he isn't sure how he'll cope.

Alex chose his career because his father said it was practical. But what he really wants is for Alex to eventually be a part of their family business. Alex married his wife because she was "the right kind of person" and bought a house in a suburb he doesn't even like because she approved of the schools for their children in the future. When asked one day by his childhood friend, "What do you actually want out of life?" Alex could not answer. He had also never contemplated this question before. Even if he entertained the idea of choice, he wasn't sure if he could ever make the "right" choice for himself. He realised he had spent so long being who others needed him to be that he had no idea who he actually was beyond various hobbies he engaged in. For the first time, he attributed his stress to the suffocation he felt from expectations.

Alex has been promoted 4 times and never once had he felt he deserved it. He works 60-hour weeks because he is convinced he would fall behind otherwise. It started with just half an hour everyday at the beginning of his career and grew out of control. Getting promoted didn't make him believe in himself any better, it just made him work harder to 'make up' for it. He has long since built a history of successes, but he attributes most of them to luck and hard work, not ability. He credits his team members who he believes are smarter than he is. And thinks himself lucky that his bosses gave him the nod at the "right place, right time". He'll do anything for the company, but not because he believed he could. He overprepares for work, and work soon became a way for him to be preoccupied and procrastinate on home challenges. Over time Alex and his partner started having issues with him not participating in running the household. While he had the ability to figure it out, the prospect of doing something wrong has left his partner picking up the pieces and Alex being more and more removed from any attempts at household admin like setting up insurance.

Tying it All Together

Alex's schemas share a common root - a childhood where he was protected, and supported but never taught to trust himself. His parents meant well and Alex followed. He became a high achiever but never felt like he could own his own success.

If you, like Alex, are highly competent but are unable to trust in that and yourself, you can begin to build an internal compass that helps you feel capable, even without external validation. Learning how to make mistakes without feeling like it's the end of the world or trusting that this feeling can be endured and overcome as a sign growth is entirely possible.

As always, feel free to reach out or read on as we explore the Impaired Limits domain next.

Warmly,

Helen

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style."

Maya Angelou